Relatives…Not So Related After All !!!

A Note Before you read : this Post Has been wrote by the both of us … coz it’s a thing we share in our lives have fun reading =)

Let me create a picture for you :
It’s Friday morning ..you wake up late , and you start thinking -while brushing your teeth- about how much u needed this day to come so u can relax and chill out and possibly do nothing but eat and watch Tv … your thoughts get interrupted by your mother screaming your name so you can go and eat breakfast and so you head to the kitchen…in a very innocent matter..not aware of the Plot being made against you and your plans ( or lack of plans ) for the day ……you say “good morning ” and sit down to eat your breakfast and
by the very first bite evil reveals itself …it usually starts by ur mother trying to slip the words without you noticing like : ” your aunt “X” called ..you remember her ? you me in “Y”’s party last year ? ” , and you answer : ” mom i don’t remember “Y” how do u expect me to remember “X” ..anyway what does she want ?” , your mother makes immediate eye contact with you (while your father lets go of the newspaper to watch what’s happening with a big smile on his face because he can totally see where this is going ) ..and she says : “she invited us to some occasion’s party and we have to go , we owe them !” ..and then it hits you , they are out to get you ..but you stay calm and act naive and say : ” go , have fun ! mom i always tell you that you should get out more ” and u quickly get off your chair and act like you have finished eating ..you say : ” thanks mom for that lovely breakfast” and start making a run for it but she jumps and follows you around the house saying : ” but dear , she asked about you , you really have to go , her daughter/Son is your age and everyone will be there..you will have a great time ” !

you try to put your foot down and say : ” no mom NO ! i will hate it there..i always do ..i donno her or her daughter and i simply don’t care ” ..you head to your room determined not to lose the battle but when you enter you somehow find your father there and he looks at you and says : ” what do u want us to tell them when they ask about ? that you don’t care ? you have nothing to do all day long , but still you’d rather stay here than come with us ?! to meet your family ?? they are your everything ! your BLOOD !” and in that moment your mind starts working on an unbelievable rate , you start thinking of every possible alibi that you might give and you realize you have used them all : ( exams , sickness , accidents , weird youth conferences that happen one time a year and u can’t miss it for the world , essays that your doctor wants u to do , your friend’s freaky accident (( when you can’t fake you had one , u use ur frds )) , your pet is sick and you have to keep him company , you are running a marathon for charity cases , you volunteered for the war in Iraq ).. well by now you get the idea..before u wake from ur nightmare…u realize u r already in one u feel ur parents’ eyes…staring…burning u , u feel the pressure…sweating all over…words won’t come out Now…they just won’t…u thought ur tongue will never betray u…think again…! and before you know it , u r all dressed up and standing at the door waiting for your parents so u can go on that hell ride…no one can see it…but u .. that dark cloud hovering over ur head…it’s gonna be hell…and YOU know it!

you step out of the car and it’s like you are in a whole other world where you can only c eyes staring at you , checking every inch of your body , whispers and comments and weird…WEIRD body languages ..you take a deep breath and tell yourself while you are entering the door : “it’s Ok ..focus ..get in ..smile..lie your butt off..and then get out “..but when u finish that sentence you feel like crap because you know its not gonna be that easy ! ..you draw a big smile on your face..you smile so big you pull a muscle !! and you step in..you try to look for an empty seat in the furthest corner possible but before you get there..a very old woman with barely 2 teeth hanging our of her mouth grabs u and pulls you so hard and kisses you right on the mouth and then hands you to the next one and then the next one and before you have a chance to understand what’s going on , you have every old woman’s saliva on your face..you feel so disgusted and start looking desperately for paper towels ..you finally find’em and you clean your face , but it’s like you set the alarm off and now u r under attack again by other women that want to kiss u ..and when you try to just say hello ..your mother comes behind you and says as loud as she can:” go on ..kiss her..she’s like your grandmother ! “..and by then..you just surrender..and u think : ” go on..suck the life out of me”..

after the kissing part is over , there’s usually a very Nosy relative who wants to ask you all these stupid Questions like : ( we will write this in Arabic-English so we can make it as real as we can )

- random distant relative : keef drastak \ drastik ?
- you : el 7amdila
- random distant relative : keef el jam3a ?
- you : el 7amdila … …
- random distant relative : aimta nawi \ nawyeh tet5araj \ tet5arji ??
- you : el 7amdila..asdi 3n 2reeb inshalla !!
- random distant relative : keef el 3alamat ?
- you : mnee7a ..el 7amdila
- random distant relative : keef el sabaya bl jam3a ? ” if u r a guy For Example…3eE “
- you : *in shock* ..el7amdila..besalmo ! …
- random distant relative : aimta bdna nfr7 feeki ya 3roos ? ” if u r a gurl over 15 years old for example…DeE“
- you : *in shock*…ana lesa bdros ..lesa s3′eere..* an attempt to smile*

and then they call for their child who’s almost always from your opposite sex ..and they introduce you Together while saying : ” i am sure you both will get along..*suspicious wink* ” and then u r up to at least Half an hour of questionable behavior and unnecessary questions which u finally dodge by claiming that u See someone in the room that you recognize and say : ” heeey you ! ” and then leave .

And you run as fast as u can to the door to take a breath..or maybe to plot an escape ..but u r followed by those tiny devils , small but effectively annoying..those 50 cm tall creatures who seem to have a thing for Pulling your clothes down with their dirty hands and nagging and nagging till u start searching for a fork u can stab in their eyes so they could leave you alone , and because you know that you can not hurt children you just close your eyes and start enjoying some thoughts of how u can inflict pain on them ..and you consider that your break and step back into wonder land after they announce dinner..and we have to say that the hospitality of our family members is just amazing..they make you sit down next to the hosts exactly and those hosts decide that you have to eat EVERYTHING there’s On the table , they take your plate and start putting food in it..and they just keep on putting more and more ignoring your words : ” thank you ..that’s enough ” , ” believe me i can’t eat all of that “…and by the time they are satisfied you have at least 3 plates in front of you and they simply say : “go on eat !” , you smile this time because you understand that they are trying to show you that they love you in their own weird way ..u take the spoon but your aunt “X” tries to make a surprise entrance and says : ” start with the meat “..you ( still smiling ) : ” i don’t eat meat “..the room goes deadly Quiet ..and everyone stares at u and then the host decides he can fix you ! and he pulls the biggest piece of meat and he places it in another plate and then says : “EAT !” ..you can not possibly understand why they want you to eat meat..you just don’t eat meat ..so you say : ” i am sorry , i really don’t eat meat “..and everybody blows : ” why don’t u eat meat ? that’s why u get sick a lot ! that’s why you are so pale ! the kids these days ..they are all about MCDONALD’s !! “..”EAT the meat already..EAT…EAT …EAAAAAAAT “..and under all that pressure u take a bite..and you close your eyes trying to chew it down , but it gets stuck in your throat ..and you start searching for any kind of liquid that could help you forget that taste in your mouth ..u drink anything you could find and you feel the victory after you have finished , you really didn’t think you were capable of eating that bite , you look down at your plate and suddenly see aunt “X” shredding your food into little pieces in her own fingers ( that she was licking a min. ago ) because apparently the knife isn’t that effective !! and she starts pushing food down your throat ..again with her fingers..and you try to say something but you can’t so by the first chance you get you run to the bathroom and throw up everything you have eaten in the last week ..you get out..tired…annoyed..dizzy..dirty , but u manage to put on one last smile ad head back to the room where instead of asking about how were u doing they say : ” u r sensitive !! ” but you say nothing , u look at your watch and estimate that there’s isn’t much time left before you leave..but now it’s time for dessert ! and don’t you dare say No..that’s just not polite !

so you take your plate which is usually “knafeh ” filled with ” qa6er ” but this time you are smarter than to eat anything , you just find a way to slip it into a kid’s plate ( they’ll eat anything ) ,or MAKE ur lil brother eat it by threatening to kill him or maybe throw it on the plant near you , and if you are lucky the old man who’s always sleeping through these family gatherings is sitting right next to you and u can easily put what you have in your plate into his plate without him noticing ..after you do that , you say : ” thanks ! that was just DELICIOUS really ” and you start poking your parents and giving them eye signals so you can go , but they intend to embarrass you by saying as loud as they can : ” you want to leave already ? why ? let’s stay a while longer ” , and that distant cousin of yours that you were introduced to earlier gets the shock of his\her life because he\she couldn’t understand why would u leave , after all he\she thought you were soul mates so u turn him\her down as hard as you can because u know if u try to go easy on them they will never get it , and after a while now..after your hair is starting to turn Grey and you have developed some wrinkles your parents say the magic words ” we have to go now , come and visit us SOON !!” .. u nod your head as if you seriously want them to and you fly to the car in happiness ( and if you are a girl , by now you have taken the high heels off and you scream in relief , because even if you are 172 cm tall , your mother still expects you to wear them for some anonymous reason ) but the ride back home seems to take forever .. now that everything is finished..and all the way home you hear lectures about how you poorly behaved , and how every other child that was there was perfect..everyone but you !..you get in a fight with them and you get very cranky , you wait till you are home and u get online to talk to the other part of your family ..”the normal kind “..to your fav cuz and discuss with him\her what has happened , and what he\she missed ( because they actually found an alibi ) you laugh a lot and then decide to make “relatives ” your next post on your conjoined blog

[ if you are a family member and u suspect we are talking about you..well be sure , there's not a lot of people with these descriptions ]

Your Sincere Sardonics :

3eE & DeE